Roleplaying and Marvel.

Most people who follow a norse pagan or heathen path/religion are commonly hit in the face by Marvel when searching for information, artwork, and opinions on the Gods, among other things. That comes with many reactions, and causes great conflict in the community at times... particularly with Lokeans and the fever that were Thor and The Avengers (movies).

I, particularly, am a Marvel fan. I also can completely separate fandom from religion, and it is rather strange to me when people join it... not necessarily wrong, but strange. I've been a Marvel fan since before I knew of paganism at all, and since then, I never really liked Marvel's Loki or Hel... the movies do make Loki more likeable, and Tom Hiddleston's portrayal of him was very good, but that doesn't change the comic version.

I also was a Lokean before the movies came out, along with the whole Loki's Army craze. It doesn't really affect me religiously in any way. I just find it wrong when people who worship only and exclusively the Marvel character call themselves Lokean, since that is the term used for those followers of Loki from the myths such as myself. People who see Marvel Loki as a facet of Loki the deity and choose to merge both don't really bother me, but I'm not personally one of them.

It is true the movies brought more light on Lokeans and norse paganism/heathenry in general, but I don't think post-Marvel Lokeans are any different from ourselves, and it's wrong to dismiss all of them with "You're just a fangirl" as some old-timers and anti-Lokean asatruar do. I'd take education and dialogue as the best way to interact with them and help them out with it, if they really wish to learn more.

Another thing the movies brought was the wild increase in roleplay of the Marvel characters, and consequently, some slightly worse things. I'm a roleplayer myself, though not of Marvel, and the whole Marvel roleplay that sticks to the characters is as neutral to me as the rest of the fandom, even if it's with the characters who were based off the deities. The problem comes when they bring the deities themselves into the roleplay.

I've seen some roleplaying myth Hel, myth Loki, Angrboda, Fenrir, Jörmungandr, Thor, Odin... but worst of all, Sigyn. I'll be pretty blunt here, Marvel canon Sigyn is kind of a psycho and she freaks me out with the way they wrote her. But Sigyn, the goddess, is very different from the character and due to the lack of lore on Her it's very easy for a roleplayer to take the image of myth Sigyn and roleplay Her instead of the character. The way this happens bothers me quite a lot, not only because it clogs up searches for actual followers of Sigyn, but because here they are not pretending to be a character, but a goddess.

So I can say the only thing that bothers me of the whole Marvel vs. Heathenry/Paganism thing is slamming them both together into one thing, or taking one to complement another. People roleplaying actual gods from the lore, that just doesn't stick with me. If given the choice I'd personally not look at such, but since tumblr is a place that depends on tags, it's hard to navigate without such.

Cleansing and studying.

Due to a large leap I'm taking both in my practice of witchcraft and in my religious beliefs, I'm going through a period of cleansing and studying, started earlier with a special wash. Milk, honey, herbs and spices combined together with just the right touch the initiate this, and already most of my worried have waned and I feel as if I grew through the process.

If someone saw me then they might think me one of those women in movies who do strange dances at sundown and sunrise, chanting as I did so. It's not something I have the habit of doing, that's when I let go of my worries and let myself be taken with the current of devotion and energy beyond what I can describe. The trance-dancing in Xena: Warrior Princess might as well sum it up visually, at least.

The next step is a rigid daylight fasting for some days, which starts tomorrow. I wanted to make that a full month, but it's very hard not to eat while the sun is up, so this time it will be half a month. I'm also reading a lot of material, both relevant to my practice and more personally distant articles. It's quite a good exercise to have, reading with diversification even that which at first seems to hold none of your interest. I have quite a way to go still.

Letting Go.

Worries, worries, everywhere. Sometimes you have to let go of them and just let life happen to you. I know that everything you make public, wether by saying or writing it, will end up criticized. Some things get good or productive critiques, some just get slammed down. In the pagan community now, there isn't much of a... well, community. "Everything you say can and will be used against you", indeed. This brings me to thinking about how much I should write on here, not only about my path but about the little things that are starting to tie in on it.

If I go another long while without posting, know I'm just undergoing some intensive reading and not trying to fit into a label immediately. While I still am Lokean/Rökkatruar as per definitions, some other little things are changing. Time-outs from fitting yourself into boxes are very good.

Inner Workings.

I'm fiddling with my own inner workings again. Defining myself as both a pagan and a witch is very hard. I'm a hard polytheist who exclusively works with norse deities, but I'm not a reconstructionist. And then I'm a make-it-up-as-you-go witch, with a love for theatricals that can make some people call it 'wiccanized'. I don't see it as such, but who knows. I wonder where this lands me in the whole pagan umbrella. I've been thinking about my deities - when I worked with the hellenic deities, I was called to the titans; with the norse, I end up called to the jötunns. Somehow it didn't surprise me.

Sometimes I still wonder about the "what ifs" of mixing pantheons. While it's hardest for some to let go of their christian background, it's hardest for me to let go of those I used to work with. But this time, I know I've found my place, there is a strange comfort that comes from being between life and death. It figures I'd end up with Hel, I never really feared death... in fact, my biggest fear is life. I think that's where Loki comes in.

Directly or indirectly, I'm caught between both, and I think it's just the way it's meant to be. Isn't it strange to think of? Loki is not directly fire, but He is connected to it - He is fiery. Hel is the same, with ice. She may not be the element, or directly a bringer of it, but death must be cold as Her realm. Then again, these are just my ramblings right now, who knows exactly what I mean by them. All I know is that it's a new moon and my time to play.

A Month For Loki: Day Thirty-one.

These thirty-one days passed so quickly, I feel they aren't exactly over yet. This month has made me think, question and change a lot - in fact, it's not surprising to say change has been a major part of it. Some wounds had to be opened to be properly treated, and others had to be stitched up and fixed at last. My biggest obstacle is still standing strong and clear, but it will be worked through. I am insecure above anything, and it causes me more pain than I should let it.

Writing in this blog has helped me both clear my ideas and feel more confident, and even though I feel I sound silly or just confuse whoever reads it, I do my best to keep everything as it is and not just delete it. In fact, I need somewhere to write about this. If there is anything that blocks me, it would be the insecurity I've held for so long, and I'm convinced I can at least lessen it by a great ammount.

Another thing July has given me is clarity in my path, showing me some things that are important to me and some that are not as much. Daily devotions are important, no matter how small, and offerings too - both material and not. I would love to list out all else, and to make this a proper, well-written closing post for the month, but right now I have been consumed by emotion. It's a form of gratitude and love, and devotion to my deities, myself and everything that supports me. Loki has taught me much on the matter of being grateful, though maybe it's a lesson from Sigyn too.

I have decided to study as much as I can about the path I choose to follow and decide exactly what suits me. It is ever-changing, that is true, but I've set a few lines that I don't suppose will be broken so soon. For once, I wouldn't call myself anything such as a reconstructionist or heathen: I stem from very neopagan roots, and am not exactly traditional as Asatruars and other heathens are. I do try to keep in-tradition and not borrow from others where I can help it, but that doesn't make me recon. I'm quite comfortable with that, actually.

And this should close the post for today, and as a side note: I might write something on deity representations in the near future.

Small Update.

I'm currently travelling, I'll be out until the 30th. I don't know how many updates you guys will get while I'm not home.

I also just received my Wildwood Tarot, and hopefully my new necklace should arrive while I'm at dad's. So I'm going to have time off to learn the cards and practice with the deck.

A Month For Loki: Days Eighteen to Twenty-one.

I have no idea what I should do about Lokablót. Or rather, I don't know if I should do something for Lokablót. Since the whole idea of it revolves around the rising of Sirius, and Sirius doesn't rise in the southern hemisphere, I wonder if I should celebrate it just for the occasion. But then again, I tend to adapt festivals to my location, such as the seasonal festivals. I could always just celebrate Lokablót on April 1st or Midsummer, or any other date that feels more Loki to me.

But this time I'm lost on what to do exactly. I want to celebrate it on July 23rd, but I have no why to back it up. I have this tendency of having to explain most things I do to myself, so if I do this I want to have a reason other than going with the crowd, or doing what the Lokeans in the other hemisphere are doing. It poses another problem that I'm travelling tomorrow, and I can't exactly have a pagan celebration at my grandmother's house. If we were at my dad's, which I will be later in the week, I could have a big bonfire and throw offerings into it while he drums along or something similar... we technically did that last year.

So until now my plans for the rest of July is to write unpublished poetry as I have been doing, and leave offerings when I can. Yesterday He was given offerings of strawberry cotton-candy flavored candy, which seemed to be sweet enough for His tastes. You find the strangest sweets when they're meant as offerings to Him, I'll say that much... Elizabeth Vongvisith's black pepper candy seems to prove it.

Today I have plans to do some more devotionals and spend some time meditating on them, because even if I have been writing and leaving Him offerings, I've been doing Hel's work a lot more. Last year, I thought I would have my connection with Loki as primary and strongest of them all, but Hel as proven She's just as equal in my life as Her father is. Working with dead animals, what could I expect? It's not in any way a bad thing, though, and I am glad to serve Her.

Other than that, I want to write my poetry down in a journal to keep as a devotional book. Not exclusively for Loki and Hel, but also to other deities I honor and work with, Rökkr and non-Rökkr. I'm quite sure Thor would dislike being ignored if I were to make one of those, particularly, since He is the one who 'called' me into this. But from all I have seen, it will have to wait. First I should finish writing down the Eddas, focus on school for a while and then think of getting a book specifically for devotionals.

Holding too many projects at once can make one confused and full of unfinished business.

A Month For Loki: Days Thirteen to Seventeen.

I have not been the best I could be. And I don't say this because of the four days unposted, but because one day of failure at a task Hel gave me to follow through every single day for a year. She isn't very pleased with my slip-up, but I think She has taken into consideration that this is the first and hopefully the last, so my punishment is not quite as harsh as it could be.

On a brighter side, I followed through with other projects, such as my devotion jar. For now it's a simple, undecorated jar with pieces of paper inside with offering ideas or things I should do. I plan to decorate it and expand what's on the papers, maybe put a few poems, prayers and other ideas inside. That way on dry days I can pull them out and be more useful than I would otherwise.

I think it was due to all these projects that Loki had me at a great big stop sign this morning. He seems to want me to relax and take time off, or at least not go over myself, particularly considering my sleep schedule and class. But since I have a big nine days coming up from the 21st to the 30th, which will probably involve pretty heavy private devotionals, I can understand that. He is also much closer now, in a way I can feel His presence more often than I used to. It's like strong, but natural warmth during the chilly winter, very hard not to notice even if I wanted to ignore it, and it has just left me wondering of what will come.

Writing now, I suppose I understand what He implied about me writing passively and carefully. Writing in a public place is scary, so I'm unprepared to speak of my experiences as others are, even if I hint to them. So I will leave you at this before it turns into a badly worded ramble with no sense at all, and hopefully my next entry will have more content to it, if I bring myself to write it out.

A Month For Loki: Days Eleven and Twelve.

I fear my Gods, and I fear the path I have chosen. I don't usually speak of this fear, and for a while have tried to ignore it. Am I still doubtful if this is right for me? Yes. Life used to be much easier when I was a pseudo-hellenic pagan devoted to Athena with every breath of my being. Not that She isn't scary, but the people devoted to the greek deities are not as scary as some norse folks (recon or not).

Loki Himself is one to fear, because as previously established He is not the God of Fluff and can be quite cruel. But I sometimes find myself thinking on the threats agains Lokeans, and some can be so violent and truly threatening that they once made me hide. I considered being openly pagan but never speaking of the deities I honored, to work with Them in silence and never speak of such to those who aren't close to me. But that wouldn't be like me - I like to write my experiences, even if I keep quite a lot in private. And Loki didn't seem so pleased with the idea, either.

I fully understand those who keep quiet about something, be it their religion, sexuality, gender or anything else, though. On another topic I've spoken of, I recently read about someone who was sexualy assaulted for being asexual. And earlier today I saw someone speak of Lokeans, saying "all Lokeans are insane", and claiming to speak for all when he said "don't expect better treatment from us than crazy people would get". I see at least two big problems there.

This person treats Lokeans as lesser humans than anyone who follows his specific ways, just for the reason their belief system is different, and treats people with mental illnesses the same. Or at least, that's what he says. So now it's okay for someone to say they'll hurt another for a mental illness or religion? The sad thing is that I know people who think that way.

But I've learned to go against my fears and better myself, which I suppose is part of the reason I didn't run back under a rock to live blissfully ignorant of the world around me. Loki has helped, too, as he did with my other doubts. It's human to fear, and like pain, it's a sign of life. But having to be afraid of assholes who would threaten another's life and family because of religion is a big bag of shit. Part of the reason I started writing about Loki here was that, overcoming the fear of speaking of Him. I see other Lokeans say they feel completely safe and on track, and sometimes I wish to feel the same.

As for fearing Him and other deities - I've learned it is good to fear Them.

Earthworms.

It's interesting to notice how some normal things to me are strange to others. Actually, I think everyone has that one thing that you do and if you mention something about it, the people around you go "what the fuck?". It happened today during one of my free classes. I was casually talking to some classmates and for some reason, one said her cat was spoiled. Well, I just let it slip. "I think my worms are spoiled."

You can imagine the look that got me. But it's true - I love gardening, and raising worms. And they are spoiled, they get every kind of vegetable or fruit they can possibly like, plus some other nice decomposing matter. It's so strange to think of how many people dislike those cute little earthworms. Even my mother doesn't seem to like them much, though she's generally okay with them because they help in the garden. She does say it's strange to see me watching worm documentaries and reading books about them.

A Month For Loki: Day Ten.

I have seen a lot of heathens and pagans assuming all Lokeans are little kids with no knowledge of the myths, who worship the Marvel version of Loki and think he's a big cuddly ball of fluff. While I wouldn't deny the existence of those types, I wouldn't be so quick to assume or generalize all of us. It's not as if most Lokeans are like that, and, in fact, a great portion of Lokeans were around years (or decades) before the films came out. I haven't seen anyone worshipping the comics, so far. This article words it better than I could.

What's the most annoying is not, in fact, the Marvel accusations. It's actually how they paint us out to know only Loki's best, most family-friendly sides, as if we had no idea of how dangerous He can be. I try not to get worked up when there's one person after the other saying all Loki-followers are "fluff bunnies" who think He's only and uniquely the God of Candy and Divine Snuggles, but it can be trying.

I actually decided to write about this because it's one of those nights where I just can't sleep and my back is working up, so I get easily irritated. Having to be up and out of the house in four hours on a cold winter morning does that to you. But it's also because I didn't want to skip day ten, and I had nothing better to write about in my current state, since I don't want to mess my actually-useful entries up.

Back on track, I agree with those who have said Lokeans should post about the other sides of Himself, the ones that hurt and tear at you until you're finally broken enough to be glued back together the right way. I should post about that, too, so I'm not freeing myself of blame. It can be hard to put some things into words, though, particularly coming from hard, personal parts of your work with Him. Maybe there are newbies out there thinking Loki is just free hugs and whipped cream covered skittles all the time, and that can be... worrying, to say the least.

I think the best way to handle the people who say Lokeans are all fangirls and fluffies is by not getting too annoyed at them, explaining as well as we can and directing them to people who can speak better than ourselves (I'm speaking for my own inability to word things properly most of the time), and definitely not making random, long posts about it at 2am after a long, tiring day. So this was a "they're repetitive and annoying and sometimes they don't listen at all and just repeat what they say at first, but thinking on some of the things they say can be worth the time" post.

A Month For Loki: Day Nine.

So I am finally doing some of Loki's intensive homework, one of which is studying and comparing different translations of the Eddas more than I have. I admit that part of the reason I haven't gone as in-depth into reading different versions and comparing them is that I don't have them printed, I don't have how to print the free versions (too many pages, too expensive!) and there is nowhere to buy them around here. I'm going to get some off of Amazon when I get the money to do so, but until then... I'm handwriting what I have.

I can't read a book on the computer. I can't concentrate after a while, and my eyes hurt. So each day I'm writing down some parts of the free copies of the Eddas so that when I'm done, I'll not only have different versions in physical form, but also have a better understanding. You see, it is much easier to understand the things you read when you copy or write them down yourself (that's what my friends say about cheating in tests at school).

As for the other things, I have (again) slacked off on baking, but I blame the shortage of supplies for it. Hel has also been keeping me busy with tending to the dead, and all that while we have tests to end the semester at school. But I wish to fix that over the short winter break. I've kept up with drawing and writing, though, which makes me quite pleased. I'm sure He is glad I'm not slacking off on everything.

He also seems quite pleased that I finally made the Templo de Loki look better, even if it needs adjustments. By tomorrow, I should be ready to start with article translations and a few more published pieces, to get it going. Another thing that (surprisingly, at least to me) seemed to make Him quite happy was my "tattoo money" jar, starting the savings for my next year and a half.

A Month For Loki: Days Four to Eight.

I have not posted anything on the month for Loki since the third day, being busy with penguins and turtles, and with another project. I have been writing for Him, both privately and openly, in more than one language. I have never posted poetry or music I wrote for Him in english, but I do leave public most of the ones written in portuguese. I have yet to understand why, it might just be my lack of confidence in myself and my writing.

He has also received some brigadeiro made with special chocolate and cinnamon, which seems to please Him each time. I'm considering what candy I could buy for another offering, since we do not have the best kinds in the nearby markets. I wouldn't wish to offer bad sweets. Then again, His tastes differ from mine, so He might like a few of those.

As for my other project, it is actually my portuguese writings. I don't know any other Lokeans in my country (or continent, for that matter), and I must admit it makes me nervous to post those seeing as some brazilian heathens I have come across are less than Loki-friendly. But He has been pushing me to do so, and I have complied, putting together the Tempo de Loki (Temple of Loki). The layout is more than basic, since I have got no knowledge of such things, but I wish to improve it with time. This blog should also be improved... one day.

The exact point of the project is unknown to me, though it might have to do with spreading information in more languages than english and not making me completely give up on speaking portuguese - a language I hardly use, even living in Brazil. He has got his mysterious ways, one day I might know better.

Decomposition.

While my cow bones are being cleaned, I thought I would have no more work to do. And I was very, very wrong. Today, after a quite busy afternoon, a friend came with news that there had been a storm out at sea late in the night - that always means death of something. This something happened to be a great ammount of penguins and turtles, which landed on the beach today. By the time we got there, the sea had taken back a good part of them.

We buried the rest, with the exception of two. One penguin was carefully moved into a plastic bag and brought back, then buried in a decomposition box. I don't have the means to work with animals not yet decomposed, so my garden has a wooden box, buried party, and full of food for animals who do the decomposition process. That way, in these occasions, I can still keep the bones of those I collect.

It all had to be done very quickly, since it has been raining a lot and it intensified more by the time I arrived with the body. A proper funeral ritual will have to be held on a later date, but now I should care for the decomposing body and spend time there every day.

The second exception was a turtle, as fresh as the penguin. The turtle was moved and is safely hidden, where my friend and I will get to tomorrow. There's no space for it in the box right now, so Cassia said we should do it the dirty way and clean it on the beach, where I can also hold a small funeral service.

It pains me to see we've lost so many in one night. I wish I could do more, or at least have helped any that could have gotten to the beach alive, but after roughly 15 hours since the storm, all were dead. May Hel receive them well.

A Month For Loki: Day Three.

[A post about my asexuality, genophobia and how Loki has helped me not make a complete wreck of myself.]

For a long while, I thought I was broken. Well, obviously, something must be wrong with me to feel this way. I feel fine discussing sex, thinking about it or even seeing/read explicit sexual scenes, but personally, it terrifies me. I have a bad phobia of sex, and I have no explanation as to why, when, what caused it. I also have no idea if this phobia influences how I identify: do I naturally not feel sexual attraction, or is that fear running so deep that it prevents me from even feeling that?

I've thought so heavily over questions like that, I use to drive myself into serious panic attacks. I know there are other people who are both asexual and genophobic, but I don't know if they have those same worries. One way or another, it drove me into a really dark state where I was more stressed, panicked and paranoid over everything, and for a while I felt bad even at mentions of sex. It was consuming me in such an unhealthy way, I had to just stop one day.

The way I was hurting myself by overthinking it and worrying to such extremes wasn't affecting just me. It made me irritable, I had bad fights with my parents, it was affecting my relationship, and it was anything but healthy. So I took time to think calmly, to reflect on what I was doing and how to fix it. It also worried me because of Loki. Before I even considered honoring Him, I followed many of his devotees, and it was often mentioned that He is very sexual [with them]. I was afraid that, were I to work with Him, He would push me too far. The voice in my head repeated over and over that He's going to make you break and not be fixed, He's going to push you beyond what you can possibly recover.

But this also wasn't like Him, these thoughts were just from my fears. If I need fixing in this matter, I'm sure, He might push me and break me to fix it, but I'll recover. I'm not going to think Him incapable of hurting me to rebuild, or even try to convince myself He wouldn't do that - but I'm sure He wouldn't break me beyond repair.

By working with Him, I've felt much less afraid. Not that I wouldn't flip the fuck out if someone tried to push me into a sexual relation, because I would, but I've calmed down back to a healthy state. I'm not going to panic mid-conversation, or feel my bones go cold each time I see something sexual. I'm thankful that He's helped me, too, because I'm sure I wouldn't be like this on my own. He has made me question myself, review things, write my ideas and feelings down and then think them over again, and He's made me change and grow. And I always seem to get some kind of message in that state between being asleep and awake, when your dreams are so real you wake up not knowing if they happened or not.

It's also encouraged me to see other asexual Lokeans, it's nice not to be completely alone in this, even if I never spoke to them.

A Month For Loki: Days One and Two.

Yesterday, July 1st, marked the start of the unofficial Loki-devotion month which most Lokeans are taking part in, including myself. I started with cleaning, particularly the area where my altars are, and then took time to myself so I could think, cleanse and function a little better for a ritual-of-sorts. It can surprise one how much a small time spent reflecting can reveal things - particularly with Loki in mind. I don't have a close connection to Him as other Lokeans seem to have, interacting with Himself at many times each day (or most days) and getting clearer messages. But He does affect my life quite a lot, and I am happy to honor Him as it is.

I must admit I'm a little skeptic when people write of speaking to Him at all times, but I'm not going to claim they're wrong either - not until proven so. Who knows, maybe one day it'll happen to me? He just seems to enjoy my cards a little more than direct speaking, I suppose.

Back onto the first day, I bathed and came out with my mind clear and ready to proceed. The rest of the night consisted of writing some poetry to Him, leaving an offering made with delicious raspberry jam and continuing my list of adorations. It was, even if simple, a much more productive day than today.

On this second day I let my mind wander and did little more than lighting candles and thinking of Him, even if I do intend to try writing something else tonight. Most of all, I thought about what to write here. And I realized this month will be a great learning period for Lokeans, with each sharing more about themselves and how their interactions with Him are. Some academic essays are also up, and this may be a good time for many of us to evolve and learn. I have tried to keep up with every entry I could of the Month For Loki, and there are some thought-provoking, very interesting things already here on day two.

There's also a good quantity of new artwork of Himself and His family, which is always pleasant to see.

I hope my next update will be clearer than this little ramble.

A Month For Loki.

Galina Krasskova brought up the idea of making July a month for honoring Loki on each day, and since I do need to be better with the commitment to devotionals each day, I think I will join her in that. It fits in just right, too, since this month I am specifically focused on Hel and cleaning/organizing for Her. She likes organization and is pushing me to work on that aspect, which I can be very thankful for since I'm gravely lacking there.

During the Month for Loki, I should post more often (and have more time to make posts), though I'm unsure if I can post my poems and writing yet. Truth be told, I am no good poet, but I try to write devotionals and prayers to my Gods, most which I am reluctant to post because Loki or Hel don't seem to mind if it sounds silly, but the people who read here might.

Sounding silly, yes. One more thing I should work on in the following months - losing that fear.

"Santo do pau oco."

Let us talk about slightly different things this time, yes? "Santo do pau oco" is an expression used in Brazil to refer to someone who is fake, literally translated as "hollow-wood saint". There are many legends about the origin of this expression, one of them being that images of christian saints were hollow, and so the mine workers would hide gold inside them to keep it away from the government fiscalization.

Another version, much more popular around my area, is that the slaves would also make the saints hollow, and then hide an image or representation of their own deities inside the statue. Like that, when they were forced to pray to the christian saints, they would continue following their religion in secret. There is some, but little, proof of both those legends, and some say that the slaves found to hide other statues inside the saints were brutally punished for it.

This makes me wonder how important their deities were then, and how they are now. We have many afro-brazilian religions derived from a mix of the native african beliefs with christianity. Now, when I say 'native african' I do generalize because Africa is a very big continent with numerous countries and an incredible diversity in its people and beliefs of each region. Here, it's rare to see beliefs preserved from one specific area, even more so since the slaves used to be mixed from different tribes and entirely different regions to avoid organization and familiarity, which could make them more confident to go against their masters.

If the second of the theories for the "santo do pau oco" expression is true, did it have an important role in preserving their original beliefs and finally molding them into the many afro-brazilian religions we have? And even if it wasn't as told, it could be that the slaves would notice similarities between their deities and these saints and associate them, as many neopagans do today. While I'm not a great fan of linking the Gods and Goddesses together and making them to be 'one', I do understand they share similarities, some more so than others, and in a situation like slavery and forced conversion this link between them can be important.

I haven't studied much on these religions we have, though I have friends who are followers of them, and they interest me deeply. Perhaps it's the fact I love learning about religions of all kind. While my heart doesn't always lie here in Brazil, I am curious about these lands and how much they have to offer in history, and I do love them. Sometimes I feel like I can never find a one stable home, because I'm not a brazilian woman. But I'm not american, I'm not arab, I'm not european. At the same time, I'm all of those. Usually, if you're a complete mix of ethnicities, you're simply a brazilian and nothing else, because that's what most of our people are.

Then again, maybe my detachment has to do with my Gods not being from this hemisphere, or perhaps the fact I was raised in an american house. My mother and I speak english to each other at all times, she raised me as her mother raised her (my grandparents came to Brazil after WWII), and I was 'forced' to learn portuguese simply for survival, since I didn't know almost any of it before I went into school. Even now, all these years later, I feel so out of place in this country. But if I go somewhere else, that won't change.

So I want to learn as much as I can about our own diversity, too, and the history of these lands. Sitting around solving problems from overseas won't help if I don't look at the problems from my own land, and there are many things to be fixed here. 

Changes.

I've been wanting to write another post here for a little while. I haven't been doing much interesting work I can post of, except for re-arranging the room, and consequently, the altars. My big burrow's surface is inching its way towards becoming a multi-deity altar, and aside from the main altar, there's another one for Loki and Hel. That one used to be the one holding sea items, which has also moved onto the burrow and blended in with the rest of it. Now it holds artwork of Loki and Hel, two candles, a vintage brass incense burner from India and a small blue glass oil lamp, as well as a long offering plate.

Since the main altar is for witchcraft and other workings, it was hard for me to keep a big offering plate on it, seeing as those things aren't easily movable and I would like to keep an offering in place until it's "done" and not have to move it around each time I want or need to work.

It was also quite curious that just a few days ago, I felt the want for deity representation in some form, and wished I could put some artwork of Loki and Hel in the room, but I had no picture frames. Not two days later, a friend of my mother brings not only seven picture frames, but also the aforementioned incense holder. I'm thinking someone may have messed around for that to happen. Coincidence is not something I'm easy to believe in, even if not everything is necessarily a fruit of divine intervention.

I have also been reflecting on my past relationship with Athena, the closest deity I had to a 'patron' or 'matron' before Loki gladly tore me from my previous thoughts and entered my life in grand scale. We had some sort of bond, as She often helped me when in need, and also had a very interesting part in my transition. The Greek pantheon was like home for me, since it was the one I was most familiar with, but when I was sucked into the tug-of-war between my comfort and Loki's calling, She was there for me. No, Athena didn't try to hold me back, nor did She hold me in her arms and comfort me as to my torn feelings. She shoved me forth to Him and seemed glad for me to have finally found my way.

Now if you know any of Her followers, you might know She can be rather possessive over them, so with Her acceptance of my leaving it makes me confident, and happy that I wasn't a disappointment to Her. When with Her, I did my best as a follower and learned what I could about Her, and now I hold deep respect and can only be thankful for the guidance She provided me with.

In a way, I feel She prepared me for Loki and the other Gods I now work with, particularly in terms of discipline and self-control. And connection to deities after the shift (though more particularly to Loki than others) has become much easier than it was with Her or any other of the Greek deities I worked with before. I assume that those you're chosen to work with will have a clearer way of showing themselves, even if that is still not too clear. Those with direct contact to deity are truly blessed.

I sometimes envy those who can talk directly to Loki, and have a clearer connection with Him, but I also think such abilities can be very taxing. Now, I have no experience with it myself, I'm just wondering how those who are so open to deities and spirits in their communication can deal with it when there's too much influx. Sarah Lawless has posted quite a few times about how difficult it can get when there are too many spirits at one time. Is deity connection the same way at times?

I also enjoy the level of communication I have with Loki, and with more work I may deepen it. But time will tell, as it always does. This post turned into one big ramble about what I've been thinking about in the past week, and what I'm thinking of now. I've also been asking myself if He will like those special oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I made, since it's my grandmother's special family recipe.

But in the middle of the rambling there is a lesson, I suppose. Not only 'spirit work is hard and scary', at that. But when you're torn between two deities or pantheons and have to choose (I will get into this part when it's no longer 6:27am after a long, emotionally stressful day), try to separate Their wishes from your fears, and give that some serious deep thought. I found that what was clinging to Athena wasn't Her holding me back as I wanted to think it was, I was just too afraid of change to let go of Her myself.

And now I will retire and sleep before I start up once more.

A post in thanks.

It had been two days since one of my cats, the one closest to me, had disappeared. He was hurt after getting into a fight with another cat not long before, so I couldn't help but worry that something happened and he might be wounded again or worse. This cat, Tommy, follows me around almost as a dog would, and he rarely stays away for long. I had a bad feeling that I can't quite describe, and I felt a pulling to ask Freya to protect him.

I rarely work with any of the Aesir or Vanir Gods, since my experience until now is mostly with Loki, Hel and Sigyn, but I decided to leave Her an offering. I picked the most beautiful pink roses of my garden and tied them with light beige ribbon, and put a cup of milk on the altar next to those. I also got my amber necklace out of the jewelry box and wore it until he returned.

A few hours after the offering was done I heard a familiar meowing sound coming from the door, and there he was. A little scratched and with a hole in his ear, caused by the bite of another cat, but alive and not too hurt. I treated his wounds and let him sleep inside. I thanked Freya for bringing him back to me safely, and now I feel I should try working with Her more often. Hopefully I can get to know Her more and learn of what offerings She likes.

Cooking with Loki.

Cooking and baking are things I love to do, and more than once I have incorporated some aspect of my craft into it. Well, this time I was supposed to bake cupcakes as an offering to Loki. Staring good, we have all the ingredients and mix them together properly. While I tend to be a messy baker, our dearest Loki decided to join me as I made the sweets for Him, turning the kitchen into a total chaos. I still haven't finished rubbing the cocoa powder from the floor as it's so fine it ends up sticking.

After getting cake dough everywhere, spilling eggs and milk, and having a small disaster with the cocoa, I finally finished mixing all the ingredients to a perfect texture. And there are no cupcake pans. Now on a normal day I can go down to the market not far from my house and get some, but today is Worker's Day, and nobody works - not even the market. Which means the cake must be a cake.

That brings us to oven malfunction and almost burning said cake. Thankfully I was able to save it, and Loki already got His own part on His offering plate at the altar. Now I need more cupcake pans and I should probably fireproof my kitchen just in case He decides to show up again during food preparation, seeing as I have set fire to more than enough things on my own.

The result is that the cake is enjoyed, though it could be better and I must get a new recipe. He seems to like the fact I added some coffee in it, too.

I am yours.

Fire, much fire is always welcomed both in my heart and my house - so long as nothing burns down in a bad way. Two candles for Hel and two for Loki, each with a pillar to last until the next sabbat and with a small taper to burn down through the night. Frankincense from Oman for Her, and clove for Him.

Three restored wing pieces from wrens were put on the offering plate, and a white candle started the ritual by lighting the others. I began with Hel, not chanting or saying anything I had previously written down, simply what came to my mind and heart to say. I can feel Her presence now, still as I type this, as I did when I spoke to Her. She accepted me as Hers, and now I will work hard to keep the title as one of her devotees. I fear disappointing Her, for She is a strong and powerful Goddess, who might ask more of me than I can give right now. But what I can, I will give, and I will do.

Loki came second, and flames seemed to be all around. The ribbon around my wrist was set on fire, though I didn't get hurt from it. Perhaps it was His way of saying I should have chosen to make cupcakes as offerings rather than apples. But He filled me with warmth on this cold night, tested my will and my mind and held me in His arms. He told me clearly that I cannnot ask of Him to do things for me, but rather to help me as I do them myself, which is exactly what I need to hear.

I feel much more confident in myself with Their approval and official acceptance of me, and I hope to do my best to please Them and work in Their favor. At the end of the ritual, a small card reading took place. What came out of it was a reward for a job well done, and the message that while I may falter and stray, if I really am with my heart in this path then all will be well in time.

I have also managed to talk to Loki more this night than ever before. His voice seems clearer to me now, and I'm learning to not be so tense about it being my own brain making it up and letting Him speak. When I relax in that way, it's actually easier to tell what is me and what is Him speaking. Hopefully with time I will improve at hearing not only Loki, but Hel and the other Gods.

In short, I have much to learn still, but this was a big step in my personal path and my relationship with my Gods, and now I realize I must have a higher level of commitment to Them. They have already helped me improve myself in many ways, I only hope I can be of good service to Them.

I am a student, I am Rökkatruar, and I am Lokean.

Preparations.

My dedication is the day after tomorrow., and there are still preparations to be made. The ritual, the altar, and the offerings are not all ready. I suppose it won't be a completely formal pre-written ceremony, since Loki does not seem to mind things done at the moment, and would rather hear words from one's heart during something so important than words from a pre-written script. He has taught me that making things up as you go along is healthy in some occasions, so even if I have an outline, I rather do as I feel I should at the moment of the dedication.

Fortunately, this tuesday is a holiday where I live, which gives me the whole day off. I find that very important for days where I do more elaborate ritual, as I suppose deity dedications can be classified. After that I will have the heart to call myself Lokean, or Rökkatruar. Until this day I have only told people 'pagan' or rarely 'Northern Tradition Pagan' with little explanations. I do work with Aesir Gods, but not as much as with the Rökkr, so I suppose those would be the correct titles.

Signs.

Sometimes, if you ask for a sign or confirmation from a deity, you have to really pay attention to things to notice them. Loki, on the other hand, has been throwing some things right in my face so I can't ignore them if I want to. I don't know if that happened to anyone else who honors Him.

The main point of this entry is my official dedication to Him, which is planned to this May 1st. I'm not one of those who has direct communication to Him, or at least not yet, and so I asked for Him to give me some kind of sign that the date was right. Just like that, my dreams started getting clearer and He was there, as well as Hel. And last night, I attempted to talk to my mother about Urnes Snakes - to which she told me it's not only the symbol of Loki, but our family crest. Being that my family is completely christian, I find it funny, even though it's meant just for infinity as the crest.

If that wasn't a sign, it was just a very funny coincidence. Particularly the way she said it.

About the author.

It's been four years of study, one year of active practice, and a collective rollercoaster ride. This is a small recollection of my path as pagan.

When I was a child, at seven or eight years of age, I had just gone through my intensively christian phase. My mother was taking me to church three to four days a week, we prayed before meals, we prayed after meals, before bed, after waking up, before travelling, during travel, and when we arrived safely - you get the picture. It was about that time that I started questioning things, and by some coincidence we started studying polytheism in school that very year.

I decided the Gods we studied were just as worthy as the christian God of being adored, so why did he and his followers call them 'false' and 'evil'? Reading about them, they were not that. They just weren't christian-fashioned, if that would be the term. I didn't understand why people had abandoned them and everyone was either christian, or muslim, or jewish - not that there's anything wrong with those faiths.

One or two years later, along came the internet. I studied more. I didn't fall face-first into the pagan community and it was love at first sight or anything like that. I found out not every person on the planet was necessarily Abrahamic - some native people still maintained their faiths! Oh, and there were atheists, and something called agnostic that I didn't understand well until I read more about it.

Through all of this, I was still lost. I wasn't an atheist, but I couldn't exactly tell people I'm a polytheist if very few people in the world would even take me seriously. To me, those people still didn't exist, or if they did they surpressed it and hid behind a christian or atheist label to be more accepted. But surely there had to be something.

Fast-forward to me at twelve years of age, where I met a very nice girl who had recently started her studies in Wicca. She taught me about her God and Goddess, and about magic, and that was my first step into researching. At first I thought Wicca itself would be right, but that wasn't so. Then came the eclectic pagans, the pagans-of-a-specific-pantheon, the Dianics and the reconstructionists, the Christopagans, and all the others.

From there on I was mostly a Hellenic-based pagan, though that also wasn't quite right. But since I had started studying polytheism, the greeks were my main focus, and I wasn't sure how I would take the change. And what would I change to?

So I stayed like that, until last year. Around the end of the year, I started finding more information on the Norse Gods, and all through summer we had thunderstorms every thursday. That's just to say signs started popping up everywhere, not that thunderstorms were my one and only push into the new path. It was close to the new year when I made my decision, mainly because I had been working with a rather possessive Goddess and She didn't have any trouble in letting me go. My tug-war had been between my fear of change and the Gods that called to me.

Months of intensive research and adapting to change, and here I am, ready to start writing about this.