I'm currently travelling, I'll be out until the 30th. I don't know how many updates you guys will get while I'm not home.
I also just received my Wildwood Tarot, and hopefully my new necklace should arrive while I'm at dad's. So I'm going to have time off to learn the cards and practice with the deck.
22.7.12
21.7.12
A Month For Loki: Days Eighteen to Twenty-one.
I have no idea what I should do about Lokablót. Or rather, I don't know if I should do something for Lokablót. Since the whole idea of it revolves around the rising of Sirius, and Sirius doesn't rise in the southern hemisphere, I wonder if I should celebrate it just for the occasion. But then again, I tend to adapt festivals to my location, such as the seasonal festivals. I could always just celebrate Lokablót on April 1st or Midsummer, or any other date that feels more Loki to me.
But this time I'm lost on what to do exactly. I want to celebrate it on July 23rd, but I have no why to back it up. I have this tendency of having to explain most things I do to myself, so if I do this I want to have a reason other than going with the crowd, or doing what the Lokeans in the other hemisphere are doing. It poses another problem that I'm travelling tomorrow, and I can't exactly have a pagan celebration at my grandmother's house. If we were at my dad's, which I will be later in the week, I could have a big bonfire and throw offerings into it while he drums along or something similar... we technically did that last year.
So until now my plans for the rest of July is to write unpublished poetry as I have been doing, and leave offerings when I can. Yesterday He was given offerings of strawberry cotton-candy flavored candy, which seemed to be sweet enough for His tastes. You find the strangest sweets when they're meant as offerings to Him, I'll say that much... Elizabeth Vongvisith's black pepper candy seems to prove it.
Today I have plans to do some more devotionals and spend some time meditating on them, because even if I have been writing and leaving Him offerings, I've been doing Hel's work a lot more. Last year, I thought I would have my connection with Loki as primary and strongest of them all, but Hel as proven She's just as equal in my life as Her father is. Working with dead animals, what could I expect? It's not in any way a bad thing, though, and I am glad to serve Her.
Other than that, I want to write my poetry down in a journal to keep as a devotional book. Not exclusively for Loki and Hel, but also to other deities I honor and work with, Rökkr and non-Rökkr. I'm quite sure Thor would dislike being ignored if I were to make one of those, particularly, since He is the one who 'called' me into this. But from all I have seen, it will have to wait. First I should finish writing down the Eddas, focus on school for a while and then think of getting a book specifically for devotionals.
Holding too many projects at once can make one confused and full of unfinished business.
But this time I'm lost on what to do exactly. I want to celebrate it on July 23rd, but I have no why to back it up. I have this tendency of having to explain most things I do to myself, so if I do this I want to have a reason other than going with the crowd, or doing what the Lokeans in the other hemisphere are doing. It poses another problem that I'm travelling tomorrow, and I can't exactly have a pagan celebration at my grandmother's house. If we were at my dad's, which I will be later in the week, I could have a big bonfire and throw offerings into it while he drums along or something similar... we technically did that last year.
So until now my plans for the rest of July is to write unpublished poetry as I have been doing, and leave offerings when I can. Yesterday He was given offerings of strawberry cotton-candy flavored candy, which seemed to be sweet enough for His tastes. You find the strangest sweets when they're meant as offerings to Him, I'll say that much... Elizabeth Vongvisith's black pepper candy seems to prove it.
Today I have plans to do some more devotionals and spend some time meditating on them, because even if I have been writing and leaving Him offerings, I've been doing Hel's work a lot more. Last year, I thought I would have my connection with Loki as primary and strongest of them all, but Hel as proven She's just as equal in my life as Her father is. Working with dead animals, what could I expect? It's not in any way a bad thing, though, and I am glad to serve Her.
Other than that, I want to write my poetry down in a journal to keep as a devotional book. Not exclusively for Loki and Hel, but also to other deities I honor and work with, Rökkr and non-Rökkr. I'm quite sure Thor would dislike being ignored if I were to make one of those, particularly, since He is the one who 'called' me into this. But from all I have seen, it will have to wait. First I should finish writing down the Eddas, focus on school for a while and then think of getting a book specifically for devotionals.
Holding too many projects at once can make one confused and full of unfinished business.
17.7.12
A Month For Loki: Days Thirteen to Seventeen.
I have not been the best I could be. And I don't say this because of the four days unposted, but because one day of failure at a task Hel gave me to follow through every single day for a year. She isn't very pleased with my slip-up, but I think She has taken into consideration that this is the first and hopefully the last, so my punishment is not quite as harsh as it could be.
On a brighter side, I followed through with other projects, such as my devotion jar. For now it's a simple, undecorated jar with pieces of paper inside with offering ideas or things I should do. I plan to decorate it and expand what's on the papers, maybe put a few poems, prayers and other ideas inside. That way on dry days I can pull them out and be more useful than I would otherwise.
I think it was due to all these projects that Loki had me at a great big stop sign this morning. He seems to want me to relax and take time off, or at least not go over myself, particularly considering my sleep schedule and class. But since I have a big nine days coming up from the 21st to the 30th, which will probably involve pretty heavy private devotionals, I can understand that. He is also much closer now, in a way I can feel His presence more often than I used to. It's like strong, but natural warmth during the chilly winter, very hard not to notice even if I wanted to ignore it, and it has just left me wondering of what will come.
Writing now, I suppose I understand what He implied about me writing passively and carefully. Writing in a public place is scary, so I'm unprepared to speak of my experiences as others are, even if I hint to them. So I will leave you at this before it turns into a badly worded ramble with no sense at all, and hopefully my next entry will have more content to it, if I bring myself to write it out.
On a brighter side, I followed through with other projects, such as my devotion jar. For now it's a simple, undecorated jar with pieces of paper inside with offering ideas or things I should do. I plan to decorate it and expand what's on the papers, maybe put a few poems, prayers and other ideas inside. That way on dry days I can pull them out and be more useful than I would otherwise.
I think it was due to all these projects that Loki had me at a great big stop sign this morning. He seems to want me to relax and take time off, or at least not go over myself, particularly considering my sleep schedule and class. But since I have a big nine days coming up from the 21st to the 30th, which will probably involve pretty heavy private devotionals, I can understand that. He is also much closer now, in a way I can feel His presence more often than I used to. It's like strong, but natural warmth during the chilly winter, very hard not to notice even if I wanted to ignore it, and it has just left me wondering of what will come.
Writing now, I suppose I understand what He implied about me writing passively and carefully. Writing in a public place is scary, so I'm unprepared to speak of my experiences as others are, even if I hint to them. So I will leave you at this before it turns into a badly worded ramble with no sense at all, and hopefully my next entry will have more content to it, if I bring myself to write it out.
13.7.12
A Month For Loki: Days Eleven and Twelve.
I fear my Gods, and I fear the path I have chosen. I don't usually speak of this fear, and for a while have tried to ignore it. Am I still doubtful if this is right for me? Yes. Life used to be much easier when I was a pseudo-hellenic pagan devoted to Athena with every breath of my being. Not that She isn't scary, but the people devoted to the greek deities are not as scary as some norse folks (recon or not).
Loki Himself is one to fear, because as previously established He is not the God of Fluff and can be quite cruel. But I sometimes find myself thinking on the threats agains Lokeans, and some can be so violent and truly threatening that they once made me hide. I considered being openly pagan but never speaking of the deities I honored, to work with Them in silence and never speak of such to those who aren't close to me. But that wouldn't be like me - I like to write my experiences, even if I keep quite a lot in private. And Loki didn't seem so pleased with the idea, either.
I fully understand those who keep quiet about something, be it their religion, sexuality, gender or anything else, though. On another topic I've spoken of, I recently read about someone who was sexualy assaulted for being asexual. And earlier today I saw someone speak of Lokeans, saying "all Lokeans are insane", and claiming to speak for all when he said "don't expect better treatment from us than crazy people would get". I see at least two big problems there.
This person treats Lokeans as lesser humans than anyone who follows his specific ways, just for the reason their belief system is different, and treats people with mental illnesses the same. Or at least, that's what he says. So now it's okay for someone to say they'll hurt another for a mental illness or religion? The sad thing is that I know people who think that way.
But I've learned to go against my fears and better myself, which I suppose is part of the reason I didn't run back under a rock to live blissfully ignorant of the world around me. Loki has helped, too, as he did with my other doubts. It's human to fear, and like pain, it's a sign of life. But having to be afraid of assholes who would threaten another's life and family because of religion is a big bag of shit. Part of the reason I started writing about Loki here was that, overcoming the fear of speaking of Him. I see other Lokeans say they feel completely safe and on track, and sometimes I wish to feel the same.
As for fearing Him and other deities - I've learned it is good to fear Them.
Loki Himself is one to fear, because as previously established He is not the God of Fluff and can be quite cruel. But I sometimes find myself thinking on the threats agains Lokeans, and some can be so violent and truly threatening that they once made me hide. I considered being openly pagan but never speaking of the deities I honored, to work with Them in silence and never speak of such to those who aren't close to me. But that wouldn't be like me - I like to write my experiences, even if I keep quite a lot in private. And Loki didn't seem so pleased with the idea, either.
I fully understand those who keep quiet about something, be it their religion, sexuality, gender or anything else, though. On another topic I've spoken of, I recently read about someone who was sexualy assaulted for being asexual. And earlier today I saw someone speak of Lokeans, saying "all Lokeans are insane", and claiming to speak for all when he said "don't expect better treatment from us than crazy people would get". I see at least two big problems there.
This person treats Lokeans as lesser humans than anyone who follows his specific ways, just for the reason their belief system is different, and treats people with mental illnesses the same. Or at least, that's what he says. So now it's okay for someone to say they'll hurt another for a mental illness or religion? The sad thing is that I know people who think that way.
But I've learned to go against my fears and better myself, which I suppose is part of the reason I didn't run back under a rock to live blissfully ignorant of the world around me. Loki has helped, too, as he did with my other doubts. It's human to fear, and like pain, it's a sign of life. But having to be afraid of assholes who would threaten another's life and family because of religion is a big bag of shit. Part of the reason I started writing about Loki here was that, overcoming the fear of speaking of Him. I see other Lokeans say they feel completely safe and on track, and sometimes I wish to feel the same.
As for fearing Him and other deities - I've learned it is good to fear Them.
11.7.12
Earthworms.
It's interesting to notice how some normal things to me are strange to others. Actually, I think everyone has that one thing that you do and if you mention something about it, the people around you go "what the fuck?". It happened today during one of my free classes. I was casually talking to some classmates and for some reason, one said her cat was spoiled. Well, I just let it slip. "I think my worms are spoiled."
You can imagine the look that got me. But it's true - I love gardening, and raising worms. And they are spoiled, they get every kind of vegetable or fruit they can possibly like, plus some other nice decomposing matter. It's so strange to think of how many people dislike those cute little earthworms. Even my mother doesn't seem to like them much, though she's generally okay with them because they help in the garden. She does say it's strange to see me watching worm documentaries and reading books about them.
You can imagine the look that got me. But it's true - I love gardening, and raising worms. And they are spoiled, they get every kind of vegetable or fruit they can possibly like, plus some other nice decomposing matter. It's so strange to think of how many people dislike those cute little earthworms. Even my mother doesn't seem to like them much, though she's generally okay with them because they help in the garden. She does say it's strange to see me watching worm documentaries and reading books about them.
A Month For Loki: Day Ten.
I have seen a lot of heathens and pagans assuming all Lokeans are little kids with no knowledge of the myths, who worship the Marvel version of Loki and think he's a big cuddly ball of fluff. While I wouldn't deny the existence of those types, I wouldn't be so quick to assume or generalize all of us. It's not as if most Lokeans are like that, and, in fact, a great portion of Lokeans were around years (or decades) before the films came out. I haven't seen anyone worshipping the comics, so far. This article words it better than I could.
What's the most annoying is not, in fact, the Marvel accusations. It's actually how they paint us out to know only Loki's best, most family-friendly sides, as if we had no idea of how dangerous He can be. I try not to get worked up when there's one person after the other saying all Loki-followers are "fluff bunnies" who think He's only and uniquely the God of Candy and Divine Snuggles, but it can be trying.
I actually decided to write about this because it's one of those nights where I just can't sleep and my back is working up, so I get easily irritated. Having to be up and out of the house in four hours on a cold winter morning does that to you. But it's also because I didn't want to skip day ten, and I had nothing better to write about in my current state, since I don't want to mess my actually-useful entries up.
Back on track, I agree with those who have said Lokeans should post about the other sides of Himself, the ones that hurt and tear at you until you're finally broken enough to be glued back together the right way. I should post about that, too, so I'm not freeing myself of blame. It can be hard to put some things into words, though, particularly coming from hard, personal parts of your work with Him. Maybe there are newbies out there thinking Loki is just free hugs and whipped cream covered skittles all the time, and that can be... worrying, to say the least.
I think the best way to handle the people who say Lokeans are all fangirls and fluffies is by not getting too annoyed at them, explaining as well as we can and directing them to people who can speak better than ourselves (I'm speaking for my own inability to word things properly most of the time), and definitely not making random, long posts about it at 2am after a long, tiring day. So this was a "they're repetitive and annoying and sometimes they don't listen at all and just repeat what they say at first, but thinking on some of the things they say can be worth the time" post.
What's the most annoying is not, in fact, the Marvel accusations. It's actually how they paint us out to know only Loki's best, most family-friendly sides, as if we had no idea of how dangerous He can be. I try not to get worked up when there's one person after the other saying all Loki-followers are "fluff bunnies" who think He's only and uniquely the God of Candy and Divine Snuggles, but it can be trying.
I actually decided to write about this because it's one of those nights where I just can't sleep and my back is working up, so I get easily irritated. Having to be up and out of the house in four hours on a cold winter morning does that to you. But it's also because I didn't want to skip day ten, and I had nothing better to write about in my current state, since I don't want to mess my actually-useful entries up.
Back on track, I agree with those who have said Lokeans should post about the other sides of Himself, the ones that hurt and tear at you until you're finally broken enough to be glued back together the right way. I should post about that, too, so I'm not freeing myself of blame. It can be hard to put some things into words, though, particularly coming from hard, personal parts of your work with Him. Maybe there are newbies out there thinking Loki is just free hugs and whipped cream covered skittles all the time, and that can be... worrying, to say the least.
I think the best way to handle the people who say Lokeans are all fangirls and fluffies is by not getting too annoyed at them, explaining as well as we can and directing them to people who can speak better than ourselves (I'm speaking for my own inability to word things properly most of the time), and definitely not making random, long posts about it at 2am after a long, tiring day. So this was a "they're repetitive and annoying and sometimes they don't listen at all and just repeat what they say at first, but thinking on some of the things they say can be worth the time" post.
9.7.12
A Month For Loki: Day Nine.
So I am finally doing some of Loki's intensive homework, one of which is studying and comparing different translations of the Eddas more than I have. I admit that part of the reason I haven't gone as in-depth into reading different versions and comparing them is that I don't have them printed, I don't have how to print the free versions (too many pages, too expensive!) and there is nowhere to buy them around here. I'm going to get some off of Amazon when I get the money to do so, but until then... I'm handwriting what I have.
I can't read a book on the computer. I can't concentrate after a while, and my eyes hurt. So each day I'm writing down some parts of the free copies of the Eddas so that when I'm done, I'll not only have different versions in physical form, but also have a better understanding. You see, it is much easier to understand the things you read when you copy or write them down yourself (that's what my friends say about cheating in tests at school).
As for the other things, I have (again) slacked off on baking, but I blame the shortage of supplies for it. Hel has also been keeping me busy with tending to the dead, and all that while we have tests to end the semester at school. But I wish to fix that over the short winter break. I've kept up with drawing and writing, though, which makes me quite pleased. I'm sure He is glad I'm not slacking off on everything.
He also seems quite pleased that I finally made the Templo de Loki look better, even if it needs adjustments. By tomorrow, I should be ready to start with article translations and a few more published pieces, to get it going. Another thing that (surprisingly, at least to me) seemed to make Him quite happy was my "tattoo money" jar, starting the savings for my next year and a half.
I can't read a book on the computer. I can't concentrate after a while, and my eyes hurt. So each day I'm writing down some parts of the free copies of the Eddas so that when I'm done, I'll not only have different versions in physical form, but also have a better understanding. You see, it is much easier to understand the things you read when you copy or write them down yourself (that's what my friends say about cheating in tests at school).
As for the other things, I have (again) slacked off on baking, but I blame the shortage of supplies for it. Hel has also been keeping me busy with tending to the dead, and all that while we have tests to end the semester at school. But I wish to fix that over the short winter break. I've kept up with drawing and writing, though, which makes me quite pleased. I'm sure He is glad I'm not slacking off on everything.
He also seems quite pleased that I finally made the Templo de Loki look better, even if it needs adjustments. By tomorrow, I should be ready to start with article translations and a few more published pieces, to get it going. Another thing that (surprisingly, at least to me) seemed to make Him quite happy was my "tattoo money" jar, starting the savings for my next year and a half.
8.7.12
A Month For Loki: Days Four to Eight.
I have not posted anything on the month for Loki since the third day, being busy with penguins and turtles, and with another project. I have been writing for Him, both privately and openly, in more than one language. I have never posted poetry or music I wrote for Him in english, but I do leave public most of the ones written in portuguese. I have yet to understand why, it might just be my lack of confidence in myself and my writing.
He has also received some brigadeiro made with special chocolate and cinnamon, which seems to please Him each time. I'm considering what candy I could buy for another offering, since we do not have the best kinds in the nearby markets. I wouldn't wish to offer bad sweets. Then again, His tastes differ from mine, so He might like a few of those.
As for my other project, it is actually my portuguese writings. I don't know any other Lokeans in my country (or continent, for that matter), and I must admit it makes me nervous to post those seeing as some brazilian heathens I have come across are less than Loki-friendly. But He has been pushing me to do so, and I have complied, putting together the Tempo de Loki (Temple of Loki). The layout is more than basic, since I have got no knowledge of such things, but I wish to improve it with time. This blog should also be improved... one day.
The exact point of the project is unknown to me, though it might have to do with spreading information in more languages than english and not making me completely give up on speaking portuguese - a language I hardly use, even living in Brazil. He has got his mysterious ways, one day I might know better.
He has also received some brigadeiro made with special chocolate and cinnamon, which seems to please Him each time. I'm considering what candy I could buy for another offering, since we do not have the best kinds in the nearby markets. I wouldn't wish to offer bad sweets. Then again, His tastes differ from mine, so He might like a few of those.
As for my other project, it is actually my portuguese writings. I don't know any other Lokeans in my country (or continent, for that matter), and I must admit it makes me nervous to post those seeing as some brazilian heathens I have come across are less than Loki-friendly. But He has been pushing me to do so, and I have complied, putting together the Tempo de Loki (Temple of Loki). The layout is more than basic, since I have got no knowledge of such things, but I wish to improve it with time. This blog should also be improved... one day.
The exact point of the project is unknown to me, though it might have to do with spreading information in more languages than english and not making me completely give up on speaking portuguese - a language I hardly use, even living in Brazil. He has got his mysterious ways, one day I might know better.
6.7.12
Decomposition.
While my cow bones are being cleaned, I thought I would have no more work to do. And I was very, very wrong. Today, after a quite busy afternoon, a friend came with news that there had been a storm out at sea late in the night - that always means death of something. This something happened to be a great ammount of penguins and turtles, which landed on the beach today. By the time we got there, the sea had taken back a good part of them.
We buried the rest, with the exception of two. One penguin was carefully moved into a plastic bag and brought back, then buried in a decomposition box. I don't have the means to work with animals not yet decomposed, so my garden has a wooden box, buried party, and full of food for animals who do the decomposition process. That way, in these occasions, I can still keep the bones of those I collect.
It all had to be done very quickly, since it has been raining a lot and it intensified more by the time I arrived with the body. A proper funeral ritual will have to be held on a later date, but now I should care for the decomposing body and spend time there every day.
The second exception was a turtle, as fresh as the penguin. The turtle was moved and is safely hidden, where my friend and I will get to tomorrow. There's no space for it in the box right now, so Cassia said we should do it the dirty way and clean it on the beach, where I can also hold a small funeral service.
It pains me to see we've lost so many in one night. I wish I could do more, or at least have helped any that could have gotten to the beach alive, but after roughly 15 hours since the storm, all were dead. May Hel receive them well.
We buried the rest, with the exception of two. One penguin was carefully moved into a plastic bag and brought back, then buried in a decomposition box. I don't have the means to work with animals not yet decomposed, so my garden has a wooden box, buried party, and full of food for animals who do the decomposition process. That way, in these occasions, I can still keep the bones of those I collect.
It all had to be done very quickly, since it has been raining a lot and it intensified more by the time I arrived with the body. A proper funeral ritual will have to be held on a later date, but now I should care for the decomposing body and spend time there every day.
The second exception was a turtle, as fresh as the penguin. The turtle was moved and is safely hidden, where my friend and I will get to tomorrow. There's no space for it in the box right now, so Cassia said we should do it the dirty way and clean it on the beach, where I can also hold a small funeral service.
It pains me to see we've lost so many in one night. I wish I could do more, or at least have helped any that could have gotten to the beach alive, but after roughly 15 hours since the storm, all were dead. May Hel receive them well.
3.7.12
A Month For Loki: Day Three.
[A post about my asexuality, genophobia and how Loki has helped me not make a complete wreck of myself.]
For a long while, I thought I was broken. Well, obviously, something must be wrong with me to feel this way. I feel fine discussing sex, thinking about it or even seeing/read explicit sexual scenes, but personally, it terrifies me. I have a bad phobia of sex, and I have no explanation as to why, when, what caused it. I also have no idea if this phobia influences how I identify: do I naturally not feel sexual attraction, or is that fear running so deep that it prevents me from even feeling that?
I've thought so heavily over questions like that, I use to drive myself into serious panic attacks. I know there are other people who are both asexual and genophobic, but I don't know if they have those same worries. One way or another, it drove me into a really dark state where I was more stressed, panicked and paranoid over everything, and for a while I felt bad even at mentions of sex. It was consuming me in such an unhealthy way, I had to just stop one day.
The way I was hurting myself by overthinking it and worrying to such extremes wasn't affecting just me. It made me irritable, I had bad fights with my parents, it was affecting my relationship, and it was anything but healthy. So I took time to think calmly, to reflect on what I was doing and how to fix it. It also worried me because of Loki. Before I even considered honoring Him, I followed many of his devotees, and it was often mentioned that He is very sexual [with them]. I was afraid that, were I to work with Him, He would push me too far. The voice in my head repeated over and over that He's going to make you break and not be fixed, He's going to push you beyond what you can possibly recover.
But this also wasn't like Him, these thoughts were just from my fears. If I need fixing in this matter, I'm sure, He might push me and break me to fix it, but I'll recover. I'm not going to think Him incapable of hurting me to rebuild, or even try to convince myself He wouldn't do that - but I'm sure He wouldn't break me beyond repair.
By working with Him, I've felt much less afraid. Not that I wouldn't flip the fuck out if someone tried to push me into a sexual relation, because I would, but I've calmed down back to a healthy state. I'm not going to panic mid-conversation, or feel my bones go cold each time I see something sexual. I'm thankful that He's helped me, too, because I'm sure I wouldn't be like this on my own. He has made me question myself, review things, write my ideas and feelings down and then think them over again, and He's made me change and grow. And I always seem to get some kind of message in that state between being asleep and awake, when your dreams are so real you wake up not knowing if they happened or not.
It's also encouraged me to see other asexual Lokeans, it's nice not to be completely alone in this, even if I never spoke to them.
For a long while, I thought I was broken. Well, obviously, something must be wrong with me to feel this way. I feel fine discussing sex, thinking about it or even seeing/read explicit sexual scenes, but personally, it terrifies me. I have a bad phobia of sex, and I have no explanation as to why, when, what caused it. I also have no idea if this phobia influences how I identify: do I naturally not feel sexual attraction, or is that fear running so deep that it prevents me from even feeling that?
I've thought so heavily over questions like that, I use to drive myself into serious panic attacks. I know there are other people who are both asexual and genophobic, but I don't know if they have those same worries. One way or another, it drove me into a really dark state where I was more stressed, panicked and paranoid over everything, and for a while I felt bad even at mentions of sex. It was consuming me in such an unhealthy way, I had to just stop one day.
The way I was hurting myself by overthinking it and worrying to such extremes wasn't affecting just me. It made me irritable, I had bad fights with my parents, it was affecting my relationship, and it was anything but healthy. So I took time to think calmly, to reflect on what I was doing and how to fix it. It also worried me because of Loki. Before I even considered honoring Him, I followed many of his devotees, and it was often mentioned that He is very sexual [with them]. I was afraid that, were I to work with Him, He would push me too far. The voice in my head repeated over and over that He's going to make you break and not be fixed, He's going to push you beyond what you can possibly recover.
But this also wasn't like Him, these thoughts were just from my fears. If I need fixing in this matter, I'm sure, He might push me and break me to fix it, but I'll recover. I'm not going to think Him incapable of hurting me to rebuild, or even try to convince myself He wouldn't do that - but I'm sure He wouldn't break me beyond repair.
By working with Him, I've felt much less afraid. Not that I wouldn't flip the fuck out if someone tried to push me into a sexual relation, because I would, but I've calmed down back to a healthy state. I'm not going to panic mid-conversation, or feel my bones go cold each time I see something sexual. I'm thankful that He's helped me, too, because I'm sure I wouldn't be like this on my own. He has made me question myself, review things, write my ideas and feelings down and then think them over again, and He's made me change and grow. And I always seem to get some kind of message in that state between being asleep and awake, when your dreams are so real you wake up not knowing if they happened or not.
It's also encouraged me to see other asexual Lokeans, it's nice not to be completely alone in this, even if I never spoke to them.
A Month For Loki: Days One and Two.
Yesterday, July 1st, marked the start of the unofficial Loki-devotion month which most Lokeans are taking part in, including myself. I started with cleaning, particularly the area where my altars are, and then took time to myself so I could think, cleanse and function a little better for a ritual-of-sorts. It can surprise one how much a small time spent reflecting can reveal things - particularly with Loki in mind. I don't have a close connection to Him as other Lokeans seem to have, interacting with Himself at many times each day (or most days) and getting clearer messages. But He does affect my life quite a lot, and I am happy to honor Him as it is.
I must admit I'm a little skeptic when people write of speaking to Him at all times, but I'm not going to claim they're wrong either - not until proven so. Who knows, maybe one day it'll happen to me? He just seems to enjoy my cards a little more than direct speaking, I suppose.
Back onto the first day, I bathed and came out with my mind clear and ready to proceed. The rest of the night consisted of writing some poetry to Him, leaving an offering made with delicious raspberry jam and continuing my list of adorations. It was, even if simple, a much more productive day than today.
On this second day I let my mind wander and did little more than lighting candles and thinking of Him, even if I do intend to try writing something else tonight. Most of all, I thought about what to write here. And I realized this month will be a great learning period for Lokeans, with each sharing more about themselves and how their interactions with Him are. Some academic essays are also up, and this may be a good time for many of us to evolve and learn. I have tried to keep up with every entry I could of the Month For Loki, and there are some thought-provoking, very interesting things already here on day two.
There's also a good quantity of new artwork of Himself and His family, which is always pleasant to see.
I hope my next update will be clearer than this little ramble.
I must admit I'm a little skeptic when people write of speaking to Him at all times, but I'm not going to claim they're wrong either - not until proven so. Who knows, maybe one day it'll happen to me? He just seems to enjoy my cards a little more than direct speaking, I suppose.
Back onto the first day, I bathed and came out with my mind clear and ready to proceed. The rest of the night consisted of writing some poetry to Him, leaving an offering made with delicious raspberry jam and continuing my list of adorations. It was, even if simple, a much more productive day than today.
On this second day I let my mind wander and did little more than lighting candles and thinking of Him, even if I do intend to try writing something else tonight. Most of all, I thought about what to write here. And I realized this month will be a great learning period for Lokeans, with each sharing more about themselves and how their interactions with Him are. Some academic essays are also up, and this may be a good time for many of us to evolve and learn. I have tried to keep up with every entry I could of the Month For Loki, and there are some thought-provoking, very interesting things already here on day two.
There's also a good quantity of new artwork of Himself and His family, which is always pleasant to see.
I hope my next update will be clearer than this little ramble.
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