Roleplaying and Marvel.

Most people who follow a norse pagan or heathen path/religion are commonly hit in the face by Marvel when searching for information, artwork, and opinions on the Gods, among other things. That comes with many reactions, and causes great conflict in the community at times... particularly with Lokeans and the fever that were Thor and The Avengers (movies).

I, particularly, am a Marvel fan. I also can completely separate fandom from religion, and it is rather strange to me when people join it... not necessarily wrong, but strange. I've been a Marvel fan since before I knew of paganism at all, and since then, I never really liked Marvel's Loki or Hel... the movies do make Loki more likeable, and Tom Hiddleston's portrayal of him was very good, but that doesn't change the comic version.

I also was a Lokean before the movies came out, along with the whole Loki's Army craze. It doesn't really affect me religiously in any way. I just find it wrong when people who worship only and exclusively the Marvel character call themselves Lokean, since that is the term used for those followers of Loki from the myths such as myself. People who see Marvel Loki as a facet of Loki the deity and choose to merge both don't really bother me, but I'm not personally one of them.

It is true the movies brought more light on Lokeans and norse paganism/heathenry in general, but I don't think post-Marvel Lokeans are any different from ourselves, and it's wrong to dismiss all of them with "You're just a fangirl" as some old-timers and anti-Lokean asatruar do. I'd take education and dialogue as the best way to interact with them and help them out with it, if they really wish to learn more.

Another thing the movies brought was the wild increase in roleplay of the Marvel characters, and consequently, some slightly worse things. I'm a roleplayer myself, though not of Marvel, and the whole Marvel roleplay that sticks to the characters is as neutral to me as the rest of the fandom, even if it's with the characters who were based off the deities. The problem comes when they bring the deities themselves into the roleplay.

I've seen some roleplaying myth Hel, myth Loki, Angrboda, Fenrir, Jörmungandr, Thor, Odin... but worst of all, Sigyn. I'll be pretty blunt here, Marvel canon Sigyn is kind of a psycho and she freaks me out with the way they wrote her. But Sigyn, the goddess, is very different from the character and due to the lack of lore on Her it's very easy for a roleplayer to take the image of myth Sigyn and roleplay Her instead of the character. The way this happens bothers me quite a lot, not only because it clogs up searches for actual followers of Sigyn, but because here they are not pretending to be a character, but a goddess.

So I can say the only thing that bothers me of the whole Marvel vs. Heathenry/Paganism thing is slamming them both together into one thing, or taking one to complement another. People roleplaying actual gods from the lore, that just doesn't stick with me. If given the choice I'd personally not look at such, but since tumblr is a place that depends on tags, it's hard to navigate without such.

Cleansing and studying.

Due to a large leap I'm taking both in my practice of witchcraft and in my religious beliefs, I'm going through a period of cleansing and studying, started earlier with a special wash. Milk, honey, herbs and spices combined together with just the right touch the initiate this, and already most of my worried have waned and I feel as if I grew through the process.

If someone saw me then they might think me one of those women in movies who do strange dances at sundown and sunrise, chanting as I did so. It's not something I have the habit of doing, that's when I let go of my worries and let myself be taken with the current of devotion and energy beyond what I can describe. The trance-dancing in Xena: Warrior Princess might as well sum it up visually, at least.

The next step is a rigid daylight fasting for some days, which starts tomorrow. I wanted to make that a full month, but it's very hard not to eat while the sun is up, so this time it will be half a month. I'm also reading a lot of material, both relevant to my practice and more personally distant articles. It's quite a good exercise to have, reading with diversification even that which at first seems to hold none of your interest. I have quite a way to go still.

Letting Go.

Worries, worries, everywhere. Sometimes you have to let go of them and just let life happen to you. I know that everything you make public, wether by saying or writing it, will end up criticized. Some things get good or productive critiques, some just get slammed down. In the pagan community now, there isn't much of a... well, community. "Everything you say can and will be used against you", indeed. This brings me to thinking about how much I should write on here, not only about my path but about the little things that are starting to tie in on it.

If I go another long while without posting, know I'm just undergoing some intensive reading and not trying to fit into a label immediately. While I still am Lokean/Rökkatruar as per definitions, some other little things are changing. Time-outs from fitting yourself into boxes are very good.

Inner Workings.

I'm fiddling with my own inner workings again. Defining myself as both a pagan and a witch is very hard. I'm a hard polytheist who exclusively works with norse deities, but I'm not a reconstructionist. And then I'm a make-it-up-as-you-go witch, with a love for theatricals that can make some people call it 'wiccanized'. I don't see it as such, but who knows. I wonder where this lands me in the whole pagan umbrella. I've been thinking about my deities - when I worked with the hellenic deities, I was called to the titans; with the norse, I end up called to the jötunns. Somehow it didn't surprise me.

Sometimes I still wonder about the "what ifs" of mixing pantheons. While it's hardest for some to let go of their christian background, it's hardest for me to let go of those I used to work with. But this time, I know I've found my place, there is a strange comfort that comes from being between life and death. It figures I'd end up with Hel, I never really feared death... in fact, my biggest fear is life. I think that's where Loki comes in.

Directly or indirectly, I'm caught between both, and I think it's just the way it's meant to be. Isn't it strange to think of? Loki is not directly fire, but He is connected to it - He is fiery. Hel is the same, with ice. She may not be the element, or directly a bringer of it, but death must be cold as Her realm. Then again, these are just my ramblings right now, who knows exactly what I mean by them. All I know is that it's a new moon and my time to play.

A Month For Loki: Day Thirty-one.

These thirty-one days passed so quickly, I feel they aren't exactly over yet. This month has made me think, question and change a lot - in fact, it's not surprising to say change has been a major part of it. Some wounds had to be opened to be properly treated, and others had to be stitched up and fixed at last. My biggest obstacle is still standing strong and clear, but it will be worked through. I am insecure above anything, and it causes me more pain than I should let it.

Writing in this blog has helped me both clear my ideas and feel more confident, and even though I feel I sound silly or just confuse whoever reads it, I do my best to keep everything as it is and not just delete it. In fact, I need somewhere to write about this. If there is anything that blocks me, it would be the insecurity I've held for so long, and I'm convinced I can at least lessen it by a great ammount.

Another thing July has given me is clarity in my path, showing me some things that are important to me and some that are not as much. Daily devotions are important, no matter how small, and offerings too - both material and not. I would love to list out all else, and to make this a proper, well-written closing post for the month, but right now I have been consumed by emotion. It's a form of gratitude and love, and devotion to my deities, myself and everything that supports me. Loki has taught me much on the matter of being grateful, though maybe it's a lesson from Sigyn too.

I have decided to study as much as I can about the path I choose to follow and decide exactly what suits me. It is ever-changing, that is true, but I've set a few lines that I don't suppose will be broken so soon. For once, I wouldn't call myself anything such as a reconstructionist or heathen: I stem from very neopagan roots, and am not exactly traditional as Asatruars and other heathens are. I do try to keep in-tradition and not borrow from others where I can help it, but that doesn't make me recon. I'm quite comfortable with that, actually.

And this should close the post for today, and as a side note: I might write something on deity representations in the near future.

Small Update.

I'm currently travelling, I'll be out until the 30th. I don't know how many updates you guys will get while I'm not home.

I also just received my Wildwood Tarot, and hopefully my new necklace should arrive while I'm at dad's. So I'm going to have time off to learn the cards and practice with the deck.

A Month For Loki: Days Eighteen to Twenty-one.

I have no idea what I should do about Lokablót. Or rather, I don't know if I should do something for Lokablót. Since the whole idea of it revolves around the rising of Sirius, and Sirius doesn't rise in the southern hemisphere, I wonder if I should celebrate it just for the occasion. But then again, I tend to adapt festivals to my location, such as the seasonal festivals. I could always just celebrate Lokablót on April 1st or Midsummer, or any other date that feels more Loki to me.

But this time I'm lost on what to do exactly. I want to celebrate it on July 23rd, but I have no why to back it up. I have this tendency of having to explain most things I do to myself, so if I do this I want to have a reason other than going with the crowd, or doing what the Lokeans in the other hemisphere are doing. It poses another problem that I'm travelling tomorrow, and I can't exactly have a pagan celebration at my grandmother's house. If we were at my dad's, which I will be later in the week, I could have a big bonfire and throw offerings into it while he drums along or something similar... we technically did that last year.

So until now my plans for the rest of July is to write unpublished poetry as I have been doing, and leave offerings when I can. Yesterday He was given offerings of strawberry cotton-candy flavored candy, which seemed to be sweet enough for His tastes. You find the strangest sweets when they're meant as offerings to Him, I'll say that much... Elizabeth Vongvisith's black pepper candy seems to prove it.

Today I have plans to do some more devotionals and spend some time meditating on them, because even if I have been writing and leaving Him offerings, I've been doing Hel's work a lot more. Last year, I thought I would have my connection with Loki as primary and strongest of them all, but Hel as proven She's just as equal in my life as Her father is. Working with dead animals, what could I expect? It's not in any way a bad thing, though, and I am glad to serve Her.

Other than that, I want to write my poetry down in a journal to keep as a devotional book. Not exclusively for Loki and Hel, but also to other deities I honor and work with, Rökkr and non-Rökkr. I'm quite sure Thor would dislike being ignored if I were to make one of those, particularly, since He is the one who 'called' me into this. But from all I have seen, it will have to wait. First I should finish writing down the Eddas, focus on school for a while and then think of getting a book specifically for devotionals.

Holding too many projects at once can make one confused and full of unfinished business.

A Month For Loki: Days Thirteen to Seventeen.

I have not been the best I could be. And I don't say this because of the four days unposted, but because one day of failure at a task Hel gave me to follow through every single day for a year. She isn't very pleased with my slip-up, but I think She has taken into consideration that this is the first and hopefully the last, so my punishment is not quite as harsh as it could be.

On a brighter side, I followed through with other projects, such as my devotion jar. For now it's a simple, undecorated jar with pieces of paper inside with offering ideas or things I should do. I plan to decorate it and expand what's on the papers, maybe put a few poems, prayers and other ideas inside. That way on dry days I can pull them out and be more useful than I would otherwise.

I think it was due to all these projects that Loki had me at a great big stop sign this morning. He seems to want me to relax and take time off, or at least not go over myself, particularly considering my sleep schedule and class. But since I have a big nine days coming up from the 21st to the 30th, which will probably involve pretty heavy private devotionals, I can understand that. He is also much closer now, in a way I can feel His presence more often than I used to. It's like strong, but natural warmth during the chilly winter, very hard not to notice even if I wanted to ignore it, and it has just left me wondering of what will come.

Writing now, I suppose I understand what He implied about me writing passively and carefully. Writing in a public place is scary, so I'm unprepared to speak of my experiences as others are, even if I hint to them. So I will leave you at this before it turns into a badly worded ramble with no sense at all, and hopefully my next entry will have more content to it, if I bring myself to write it out.

A Month For Loki: Days Eleven and Twelve.

I fear my Gods, and I fear the path I have chosen. I don't usually speak of this fear, and for a while have tried to ignore it. Am I still doubtful if this is right for me? Yes. Life used to be much easier when I was a pseudo-hellenic pagan devoted to Athena with every breath of my being. Not that She isn't scary, but the people devoted to the greek deities are not as scary as some norse folks (recon or not).

Loki Himself is one to fear, because as previously established He is not the God of Fluff and can be quite cruel. But I sometimes find myself thinking on the threats agains Lokeans, and some can be so violent and truly threatening that they once made me hide. I considered being openly pagan but never speaking of the deities I honored, to work with Them in silence and never speak of such to those who aren't close to me. But that wouldn't be like me - I like to write my experiences, even if I keep quite a lot in private. And Loki didn't seem so pleased with the idea, either.

I fully understand those who keep quiet about something, be it their religion, sexuality, gender or anything else, though. On another topic I've spoken of, I recently read about someone who was sexualy assaulted for being asexual. And earlier today I saw someone speak of Lokeans, saying "all Lokeans are insane", and claiming to speak for all when he said "don't expect better treatment from us than crazy people would get". I see at least two big problems there.

This person treats Lokeans as lesser humans than anyone who follows his specific ways, just for the reason their belief system is different, and treats people with mental illnesses the same. Or at least, that's what he says. So now it's okay for someone to say they'll hurt another for a mental illness or religion? The sad thing is that I know people who think that way.

But I've learned to go against my fears and better myself, which I suppose is part of the reason I didn't run back under a rock to live blissfully ignorant of the world around me. Loki has helped, too, as he did with my other doubts. It's human to fear, and like pain, it's a sign of life. But having to be afraid of assholes who would threaten another's life and family because of religion is a big bag of shit. Part of the reason I started writing about Loki here was that, overcoming the fear of speaking of Him. I see other Lokeans say they feel completely safe and on track, and sometimes I wish to feel the same.

As for fearing Him and other deities - I've learned it is good to fear Them.

Earthworms.

It's interesting to notice how some normal things to me are strange to others. Actually, I think everyone has that one thing that you do and if you mention something about it, the people around you go "what the fuck?". It happened today during one of my free classes. I was casually talking to some classmates and for some reason, one said her cat was spoiled. Well, I just let it slip. "I think my worms are spoiled."

You can imagine the look that got me. But it's true - I love gardening, and raising worms. And they are spoiled, they get every kind of vegetable or fruit they can possibly like, plus some other nice decomposing matter. It's so strange to think of how many people dislike those cute little earthworms. Even my mother doesn't seem to like them much, though she's generally okay with them because they help in the garden. She does say it's strange to see me watching worm documentaries and reading books about them.