Letting Go.

Worries, worries, everywhere. Sometimes you have to let go of them and just let life happen to you. I know that everything you make public, wether by saying or writing it, will end up criticized. Some things get good or productive critiques, some just get slammed down. In the pagan community now, there isn't much of a... well, community. "Everything you say can and will be used against you", indeed. This brings me to thinking about how much I should write on here, not only about my path but about the little things that are starting to tie in on it.

If I go another long while without posting, know I'm just undergoing some intensive reading and not trying to fit into a label immediately. While I still am Lokean/Rökkatruar as per definitions, some other little things are changing. Time-outs from fitting yourself into boxes are very good.

Inner Workings.

I'm fiddling with my own inner workings again. Defining myself as both a pagan and a witch is very hard. I'm a hard polytheist who exclusively works with norse deities, but I'm not a reconstructionist. And then I'm a make-it-up-as-you-go witch, with a love for theatricals that can make some people call it 'wiccanized'. I don't see it as such, but who knows. I wonder where this lands me in the whole pagan umbrella. I've been thinking about my deities - when I worked with the hellenic deities, I was called to the titans; with the norse, I end up called to the jötunns. Somehow it didn't surprise me.

Sometimes I still wonder about the "what ifs" of mixing pantheons. While it's hardest for some to let go of their christian background, it's hardest for me to let go of those I used to work with. But this time, I know I've found my place, there is a strange comfort that comes from being between life and death. It figures I'd end up with Hel, I never really feared death... in fact, my biggest fear is life. I think that's where Loki comes in.

Directly or indirectly, I'm caught between both, and I think it's just the way it's meant to be. Isn't it strange to think of? Loki is not directly fire, but He is connected to it - He is fiery. Hel is the same, with ice. She may not be the element, or directly a bringer of it, but death must be cold as Her realm. Then again, these are just my ramblings right now, who knows exactly what I mean by them. All I know is that it's a new moon and my time to play.

A Month For Loki: Day Thirty-one.

These thirty-one days passed so quickly, I feel they aren't exactly over yet. This month has made me think, question and change a lot - in fact, it's not surprising to say change has been a major part of it. Some wounds had to be opened to be properly treated, and others had to be stitched up and fixed at last. My biggest obstacle is still standing strong and clear, but it will be worked through. I am insecure above anything, and it causes me more pain than I should let it.

Writing in this blog has helped me both clear my ideas and feel more confident, and even though I feel I sound silly or just confuse whoever reads it, I do my best to keep everything as it is and not just delete it. In fact, I need somewhere to write about this. If there is anything that blocks me, it would be the insecurity I've held for so long, and I'm convinced I can at least lessen it by a great ammount.

Another thing July has given me is clarity in my path, showing me some things that are important to me and some that are not as much. Daily devotions are important, no matter how small, and offerings too - both material and not. I would love to list out all else, and to make this a proper, well-written closing post for the month, but right now I have been consumed by emotion. It's a form of gratitude and love, and devotion to my deities, myself and everything that supports me. Loki has taught me much on the matter of being grateful, though maybe it's a lesson from Sigyn too.

I have decided to study as much as I can about the path I choose to follow and decide exactly what suits me. It is ever-changing, that is true, but I've set a few lines that I don't suppose will be broken so soon. For once, I wouldn't call myself anything such as a reconstructionist or heathen: I stem from very neopagan roots, and am not exactly traditional as Asatruars and other heathens are. I do try to keep in-tradition and not borrow from others where I can help it, but that doesn't make me recon. I'm quite comfortable with that, actually.

And this should close the post for today, and as a side note: I might write something on deity representations in the near future.