A Month For Loki: Day Three.

[A post about my asexuality, genophobia and how Loki has helped me not make a complete wreck of myself.]

For a long while, I thought I was broken. Well, obviously, something must be wrong with me to feel this way. I feel fine discussing sex, thinking about it or even seeing/read explicit sexual scenes, but personally, it terrifies me. I have a bad phobia of sex, and I have no explanation as to why, when, what caused it. I also have no idea if this phobia influences how I identify: do I naturally not feel sexual attraction, or is that fear running so deep that it prevents me from even feeling that?

I've thought so heavily over questions like that, I use to drive myself into serious panic attacks. I know there are other people who are both asexual and genophobic, but I don't know if they have those same worries. One way or another, it drove me into a really dark state where I was more stressed, panicked and paranoid over everything, and for a while I felt bad even at mentions of sex. It was consuming me in such an unhealthy way, I had to just stop one day.

The way I was hurting myself by overthinking it and worrying to such extremes wasn't affecting just me. It made me irritable, I had bad fights with my parents, it was affecting my relationship, and it was anything but healthy. So I took time to think calmly, to reflect on what I was doing and how to fix it. It also worried me because of Loki. Before I even considered honoring Him, I followed many of his devotees, and it was often mentioned that He is very sexual [with them]. I was afraid that, were I to work with Him, He would push me too far. The voice in my head repeated over and over that He's going to make you break and not be fixed, He's going to push you beyond what you can possibly recover.

But this also wasn't like Him, these thoughts were just from my fears. If I need fixing in this matter, I'm sure, He might push me and break me to fix it, but I'll recover. I'm not going to think Him incapable of hurting me to rebuild, or even try to convince myself He wouldn't do that - but I'm sure He wouldn't break me beyond repair.

By working with Him, I've felt much less afraid. Not that I wouldn't flip the fuck out if someone tried to push me into a sexual relation, because I would, but I've calmed down back to a healthy state. I'm not going to panic mid-conversation, or feel my bones go cold each time I see something sexual. I'm thankful that He's helped me, too, because I'm sure I wouldn't be like this on my own. He has made me question myself, review things, write my ideas and feelings down and then think them over again, and He's made me change and grow. And I always seem to get some kind of message in that state between being asleep and awake, when your dreams are so real you wake up not knowing if they happened or not.

It's also encouraged me to see other asexual Lokeans, it's nice not to be completely alone in this, even if I never spoke to them.